Being a teenager is confusing. Parenting a teenager can be just as mind-boggling.
On one hand, your teen is no longer a child. They need to learn to do things on their own. Some of those things, including driving and exploring their sexuality, seem like very adult behaviors.
On the other hand, your teen isn’t an adult yet. They need boundaries, support, and guidance. They need help navigating the path towards true independence.
Your role as a parent is to help them gradually get there.
How can you find ways to be there for them and set limitations while still respecting their growth and development?
1. Be Where They Are
Parenting a teen is a journey. It starts with a small bit of independence. Then, you gradually loosen up as they become increasingly self-reliant.
However, you may experience bumps in the road. Your teen's developmental age, personality, and specific issues may influence your decisions. In other words, giving freedom to your teen isn’t a linear path.
Try to “be where they are,” which means knowing what’s really going on with your teen.
If they’re asking for more independence, do you know why? Do you know what they want to do with that freedom? Can you see how they will handle it?
This doesn’t mean that you let your teen dictate the rules. However, it does mean that you listen to their feelings and validate them, taking their individual situation into consideration. Furthermore, you notice when they go through changes, and you adapt accordingly.
2. Guide, Don’t Control
Your role is to guide your child from childhood to adulthood.
Think of a hiking guide helping you through a tricky area on a mountain. They provide encouragement and support, leading the way and holding hands. They use their knowledge of the area to make a final call about issues related to health and safety.
However, they can’t control the people in their group. It’s the same way with your teen.
A good rule of thumb is to allow your teen to make decisions that won’t cut off future possibilities for them. However, you can set limits around anything that does have a future impact. For example, you can suggest that your teen not wear their pants so baggy, but don’t bother trying to control that. In the end, it won’t affect their future.
Conversely, you can insist that your teen not smoke, because that has future health implications. Ultimately, your teen might find ways to smoke anyway. Your rules and boundaries help, though. In addition, you can help them to understand the consequences and think more clearly about their actions.
3. Set Goals Together with your Teen
When your child was young, you may have used a behavior chart in your home. For example, your child got a gold star for putting their toys away. The same concept applies to teens, although the chart and rewards will look a lot different.
Most importantly, you’ll co-create the goals by:
Asking your teen what freedoms they want
Defining the behaviors you expect to see to earn those freedoms
Explaining the behavior you expect once they get the freedom
Being clear about the consequences if they abuse the freedom
Working to help them earn back lost freedoms
For example, your teen wants to be allowed to hang out with friends after school. In order to earn that, you first expect to see one semester of a 3.5 GPA. Your teen gets the 3.5 GPA, so they get the freedom.
However, as you’ve already explained to them, if hanging out causes their grades to drop, they’ll have to start coming home after school to study instead. They can re-earn those after-school hangout times with the next round of good grades.
4. Keep the End Goal in Mind
The teenage years are fraught with heightened emotions. A teen’s role is to fight for independence. Therefore, it can feel like a constant battle over every single issue—from what they can wear to how many hours they can work after school. Add in the teen’s hormones and your home is rife with conflict.
Furthermore, it’s not just your teen who goes through an emotional roller coaster. As a parent, it can be tough to let go of your baby.
On one hand, you are so proud that they are growing up and becoming more fully independent themselves. On the other hand, you miss the little child that adored you. Or you may have a lot of fear about letting your child go off into the world alone. This is all normal, but it can make it more difficult to provide support to your teen as they grow more independent.
Keeping the end goal in mind helps. Try to remind yourself that in the end, you want your teen to become a happy, healthy, responsible, fulfilled individual who contributes fully to the world around them.
Remember that is your job during this time to help them get there by:
Offering them more responsibility
Holding them accountable for their actions
Assisting with problem-solving and making decisions
Finding ways to understand and express their identity
Understanding the pros and cons of risk-taking
Moving forward after making mistakes
Plus, remember that this phase won’t last forever. Cherish the great moments. Shake off the tough ones. And keep saying, “I love you,” as your teen grows into a young adult.
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Of course, all of this is easier said than done. Parenting a teen to adulthood is no walk in the park. Learn more about how therapy can give you support as you manage challenging times.